Behind These Eyes Of Mine
by JAGfreak
Summary: Olivia could not pinpoint when exactly it had become so difficult to look him in the eye..
1. I Have Been Alone My Whole Life

Author: Ashlee

Pairing: Elliot/Olivia

Disclaimer: Not mine as of now, keep checking back though. :)

Rating: T for language

Olivia's Apartment

11:47 P.M

Silence. It was the only companion to be found within the small apartment with which Detective Olivia Benson resided. The unnerving quiet permeated the space...but did nothing to the warring thoughts running a marathon inside her mind.

Sleep had not come. And so, there Olivia Benson lay...eyes wide and staring up at the ceiling.

It had been an interesting last couple of days...if 'interesting' could even be the word for it.

Olivia had a hard time dealing with all the conflicting emotions fighting their way to the surface.

What a mess it all was--First, she had illegaly ran her DNA...and found she had a brother. Then, to find out he could be a predator...a rapist...the very people she worked to put away...the reason she was even here. She immediately threw herself into clearing him...and had inadvertently dragged Elliot into the whole tangled heap.

Not to mention her distraction during the stakeout.She thought angrily as she scrubbed a hand over her face, leaving it to rest over her eyes. She did not need the disapproval from others...she had enough of it for herself. She wasn't supposed to let things like that happen. She was supposed to be stronger...a good detective. Being good at her job was the one thing that kept her going. The only thing that kept her sane. The only thing she felt she had to offer this world...it was what she lived and thrived on and yet, she had put her job on the line...not to mention Elliot's.

And for what? So Simon could use her ties to him to get off on a rape charge? How the hell could she have trusted him? She let him in...and she got hurt. Note to self: Keep people at arms length...they screw you over.

'Goddamnit...Elliot... ' Why had he done it? She questioned, but yet she already knew the answer. He was her best friend, her partner, and more. so much more. Wasn't he? She used to think so...used to think that "what they were" could not be defined or categorized..that the very magnitude and nature of their relationship had escaped the confines of words. And now? she didn't know why she doubted that they would ever be anything more than what the job instructed them to be. Partners.

She closed her eyes against the pain, as if it would make her world of disappointment, insecurities,and loss vanish beneath the darkness. But, those things would never give her reprieve. They were her family in a way...they knew each other all too well.

The funny thing about silence is….it forces you to face things you can usually avoid throughout the bustle of the day. Things you try so hard to forget. This particular night she was left to face the fact that her brother probably was the rapist she had tried to protect, get to know for the last few days. Left to face the consequences of her recent actions. Left to face herself.

Olivia shivered. Alone. It was the most familiar feeling in the world to her. Being lonely was a lifestyle...

Olivia jumped as the silence was pierced by a sharp knock on her door. Immediately she reached for her weapon in the nightstand drawer and stood up on shaky legs. 'Who the hell?' she thought, agitated for the disruption of her thoughts. She cautiously crossed the apartment to look through the peephole. 'Elliot.'

She breathed a sigh of relief and willed her heart to stop beating so rapidly, as she lowered the gun, unlocked the door and opened it.

Elliot felt the air leave the hall as the door opened and he came face to face with the tormented gaze of his partner. One look at her and he knew she hadn't been sleeping..atleast not well. Her hair was wild and unruly, she was dressed in black tank top and shorts, but her face showed no sign of sleep. And her eyes..her eyes said it all.

His gaze shifted to the weapon still in her hand. He was about to ask her if she was expecting someone else in the usual Elliot way..half smile and all to lighten the mood...but the look in her eye kept him quiet.

She was the first to speak.

"Elliot..what are you doing here?" she asked wearily, averting her gaze..although somehow she knew he had already seen too much.

He thought better than to answer. For, he wasn't really sure what the answer was.

"Are you going to invite me in?" he tried to smile as he said it.

Olivia sighed and moved to allow him access.

He brushed past her and Olivia suddenly became aware of her state of dress...or undress as it were. A low-cut tank top and short shorts weren't exactly cop issue and she couldn't remember a time that Elliot had ever seen her like this.

'Would it be awkward if I went to my room to change now?' she pondered the question for a few moments only to snap out of it in time to catch Elliot staring. At her.

He actually turned a little red and looked away as he took a seat on her couch. 'how cute.' she thought sarcastically.

She tossed the gun on the counter, her eyes never leaving Elliot as he sat there, staring at some spot in the carpet. Trying to somehow unveil the reasons for his visit so she could know how to act...

Olivia went to the fridge and got two beers. She needed a drink.

She moved into the living room and handed Elliot one. He smiled at her appreciatively. She attempted to smile back as she sat down in the chair across from him.

She stared at him. He stared at her. Gauging...evaluating.

She was terrified. She could not remember a time when it was this hard to look him in the eye...

Yet, she found solace in the strength of his gaze.

Silence once again filled her apartment. But, this time...it felt comfortable. It felt right.

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To Be Continued...

Please review and let me know what you think. :) Thanks!


	2. Avoidances And Fighting Words

Author: Ashlee

Disclaimer: Still not mine. Under negotiations…(I wish)

Rating: T for language

Title: Avoidances And Fighting Words

Authors Note: Thank you for your reviews, and by all means : ) keep them coming! I need to know what people like or don't like about the story. I really adore when people pick out their favorite parts, line, etc. It helps me stay on track.

Authors Note 2: This story occurs a couple hours after the last scene in the squadroom with Captain Cragen in 8x17 "Philadelphia."

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Olivia took a swig of her beer, and set it down on the coffee table, the sound of it hitting the glass the first to fill the air since they had set down several minutes before.

She could faintly make out the sound of the long hand ticking its way around the clock situated on the far wall.

She looked past him to the window…the shadows casting a weird light into the room.

A siren could be heard somewhere off in the distance.

Still silence.

Olivia leaned forward, elbows bent and coming to rest on her knees, her hands clasped together.

She rubbed her lips together and swallowed hard.

"I'm sorry Elliot" she said softly, he voice rough with the emotion she wished she could express.

"For what?" he had the strength to look her square in the eye. She didn't have the strength to let him.

"For putting your neck on the line for me….for—"

"You would have done the same for me." He dismissed her.

She nodded slightly…

Silence again.

Elliot was petrified of allowing the silence to keep coming between them. He shifted his feet and looked to her once more.

"How did your evaluation go?" he asked her calmly.

"I walked out before it was over if that gives you any indication." Olivia said dryly, her hands fidgeting together.

Silence once again beckoned to them like a long lost friend.

Elliot tried to lighten the mood. "Why did she go blonde anyway?"

Olivia chuckled a little at that despite herself.

"I mean..honestly..Novak and then her..what's with that?" He joked, a mischevious glint in his eye.

Olivia took a swig of her beer. "You're complaining? You prefer blondes."

There was something about the way Olivia said this that struck him as something he better not just let slide.

"What do you base that on?"

"Kathy…." She paused to catch his eye. "..Dani."

Elliot's eyebrow shot up and so did his heartbeat. 'how could she have known about Dani? Oh God, this is bad….did she really know?' He felt he may be sick.

"Oh come on Elliot, I'm a detective for Christ's sake…not that it would have took one to see what was going on."

Elliot thought on this for a second. He didn't recall Olivia ever meeting her. She had been gone, thus the need for Dani's presence. He refused to allow the bitterness of her leaving to creep back up on him when he had gone through such great links to let it go.

"What are you talking about Liv? How could you have seen anything? Assuming there was anything to see in the first place. You never met her."

Olivia felt all the blood rushing to her head.

"Oh, is that so? Then I guess the rather charming blonde woman occupying my desk as if she had been at home there for years was a figment of my overactive imagination." Olivia spat out in an agitated hurried manner.

He was really starting to piss her off. She was a livewire tonight…that mixed with the alcohol…this could go nowhere good. She should have anticipated that.


	3. Why Would I Be Upset?

Author: Ashlee

Rating: T

Title: Why Would I Be Upset?

Disclaimer: Still not mine…darn that restraining order. ;)

A/N: I just would like to thank everyone for your reviews and reply to them. They really mean a lot to me and keep me motivated, so thanks again.

GirlNMaroon: That's me. Who are you? Someone from Live Journal. But your profile on here doesn't say much lol. Thank you so much for your review, now tell me who you are so it will stop driving me crazy. Haha.

Onetreefan: Yes, Yes…plenty of fighting and tension ahead.

Aserene: Well, thank you. I am so glad you thought so. I was a bit unsure about the beginning, but somehow...it fit. As you will probably be able to tell throughout this chapter and perhaps future ones, I share in the general disdain and resentment for Dani as well. It's fun, isn't it?

HKitty9013: I am so glad you enjoyed the blonde comment! It made sense to me that Olivia would feel as if that was his "type." A way for her to justify in a small way why he had with Dani what he had always failed to have with her. (although we all know that Olivia and Elliot's relationship far exceeds anything Dani and Elliot had. That he could never have kissed Olivia against the side of a car…because she meant more to him than just a moment of weakness…ahhhh I feel a rant coming on….I need to save this for the story. Lol.)

Final Fight: Please do!! Your review made me laugh. Thank you!

ColonelHeather: Let's hope you don't want to kill me at the end of this chapter. : ) Thanks for your review!

KinseyJo: You and me both…you and me both! **evil grin**

SVUFan1006: I hope you continue to enjoy and I don't let you down! It will get better for them, I swear.

KatieKat112211: lol..poor baby! Your review cracked me up. I feel for him though, seriously. A drunk pissed Liv INFINITE DANGER. Lol.

Nicole812us: You are soooo right on the money with this review. It did set the tone in a way. Thank you for your review! I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Chloe Turner: What kind of sparks? Lol…because the nice kind won't be found in this chapter…but don't give up on me. My little E/O heart can't take too much…: ) thanks for the review!

Jzcprc: Yeap..UH-OH is exactly right. That made me giggle. UH-OH describes this chapter perfectly! Thanks!

Pandora of Ithilien: One big blowout…coming right up! Haha. I ADORED your review. Thank you!

Well…enough of that. Let's get this story under way.

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Excerpt from Chapter 2:

"What are you talking about Liv? How could you have seen anything? Assuming there was anything to see in the first place. You never met her."

Olivia felt all the blood rushing to her head.

"Oh, is that so? Then I guess the rather charming blonde woman occupying my desk as if she had been at home there for years was a figment of my overactive imagination." Olivia spat out in an agitated hurried manner. He was really starting to piss her off.

She was a livewire tonight…that mixed with the alcohol…this could go nowhere good. She should have anticipated that.

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She felt her head start to spin. Her brain raced frantically to catch up with her mouth…but it was too late.

Ah, hell.

Olivia was sick of being calm. Together. Rational. Why couldn't she be allowed to behave more like Elliot when he got pissed off? Out of control, fueled by emotion and rage?

She could never do it. Could never allow herself to appear weak…feel weak. She was used to bottling it up…hiding the emotion….she was her mother's child.

But that was before.

It was something about the way the last few months had been. Oregon, Dani, Kathy, the stakeout, her brother….and everything with Elliot as of late. It had taken its toll. All of it had torn down just a little bit of her resolve..piece by piece, emotion after emotion, until all that was left were the questions begging to be answered and the raw vulnerability to ask them.

Usually she would try to deal with it on her own…bury it somewhere beneath the impenetrable walls she had so carefully placed around herself. But, all she could do now was feel. And that scared the shit out of her.

"When?"

His voice jolted her back from her thoughts with a start. 'Shit.' His voice was even…firm, and hinted at the underlying rage she knew could come pouring out of him at any given moment.

"When?"

Again, and this time a bit more pissed. She ran a hand through her hair and watched him. She needed to be able to read him.

"About a week before I came back to work….I came into the precinct. We spoke….briefly." Her tone was short, curt, detached. She needed to be detached from this to ensure she could survive it.

His jaw did that little jump it often did…his eyes shifted and fell to rest on the door to her apartment.

She wondered if he would leave soon. She needed him to. She didn't need him to see her break.

She was afraid..so afraid of what could and would happen when she finally let go of the control with which she held so dear.

She was even afraid for him.

"Why didn't I know you were back?" His voice held a hint of pain, and more than a little accusation.

She sighed loudly" Elliot..Come on. Let's not do this now."

"No, stop it. Don't shut me out now. You wanted to have this conversation, so let's have it!"

The vein in his forehead was more pronounced, and his anger was beginning to spiral. She prayed he would leave…and she would do her best to make sure he did…and soon.

Very soon.

"Elliot..I"

"Why didn't I know, Liv ?!?" His voice was seething, teetering towards the edge.

"STOP interrupting me and maybe I could tell you." She yelled, throwing her hands up in exasperation. He shut up. She started again.

"I tried to tell you. I CAME there that day to see you for God's sake, what more do you want from me Elliot? Honestly, what the hell do you want from me?"

His mouth opened. His mouth shut. She took to her beer again.

"Why didn't you see me then… If that was your intention?"

"Dani informed me that _her partner _was in interrogation and asked if she could assist me." Olivia bit out, unable to keep the sarcasm and anger out of her tone.

"So you did meet her." It was a statement, not a question. "And you obviously do not like her…."

Olivia smirked and snickered. "Obviously."

"HER partner, El. She was sitting at my desk…and calling you, MY partner of eight years, **her partner**. So don't you DARE try to tell me what to feel and how to feel it."

"What the hell Liv? You were gone….we were short. She came to fill in. That's it. Why are you so upset?"

Olivia laughed a bitter laugh. "Upset? Why would I be upset?"

"I don't know, you tell me."

Olivia felt she may be sick. She needed more beer. She got up and walked somewhat incoherently to the fridge for another.

"Olivia…" his tone was one of concern as he got up and followed her. "What are you doing?"

"What does it look like?" Came Olivia's blunt reply as she popped the cap off and brought the bottle to her lips.

Elliot's eyes darkened and he grabbed her arm.

She glared at him. An eery death-like stare he couldn't shake.

"Let. Go." Each syllable was crudely punctuated as if to most effectually relate to him her demands. Or, perhaps it was to simply scare the shit out of him.

Either way, he wasn't letting go.

"O-livia" he said in a warning tone.

"I mean it Elliot…I am a grown woman. This is my apartment. And you can go to hell."

He wasn't sure where all this was coming from. He had never seen her like this. She was confusing the hell out of him.

"Olivia, please….Getting completely smashed is not the answer."

She laughed.

"Isn't it?" She took a long drink, feeling it burn her inside.

Before she knew what was happening, he had yanked the bottle from her grasp and threw it into the sink, effectively smashing the glass…its contents seeping into the drain.

She physically jumped. Her initial shock lasted no more than a half a second, before it was replaced with cold, hard, dark anger.

"Fuck You."

"God damn it, Olivia…stop pushing me away…stop drinking…stop yelling…stop fighting what you are feeling…Just STOP IT."

Olivia backed away from him. She felt so numb. So many questions…not enough answers.

The alcohol was fully in control at this point.

"Olivia…Olivia"

She finally looked at him, with empty and haze-filled eyes.

"You are drunk…you don't know what you're saying." He realized the extent of her intoxication for the first time that night.

"Yes I do." Olivia nodded rapidly. "I do know."

Olivia's voice was soft…vulnerable even when she spoke again. Maybe that was why he felt his world cave in around him and his heart plummet to the floor.

"You slept with her….Dani…you ...you did, didn't you El?" Her big brown eyes looked so scared. She actually looked fragile…broken. Shattered. like the bottle in the sink.

She was afraid to know…If he had slept with her…while she was in Oregon repeating his name in a hospital bed and longing for just the sound of his voice…a part of her would die inside.

He fell silent.

"Liv…you need to know…I didn't sleep with her. I swear to you…we did kiss…in a moment when I needed someone and she was there…it was a mistake…it was wrong…it was so many things."

"Yeah." She nodded, shutting her eyes to block him out.

She felt so tired.

"Why, El?"

He pressed his lips in a firm line.

"To feel something."

Olivia nodded silently.

"Did you?"

"It wasn't about her, Olivia. It was never about her."

She nodded again.

Long minutes stretched on.

Olivia found it hard to keep breathing. He had kissed her. What did it take him ….less than 24 hours?

She needed some air.

She needed him to leave. Her resolve was crumbling. Tears stung behind her eyes.

But, she wasn't done.

Something else had been haunting her.

And above all else, she needed to know.

She backed away even more…afraid of what he would say…do.

Now or never, Benson.

Say what you need to say.

"Does Kathy know you are here?" She didn't know how she managed to get it out without a tremble in her voice.

His jaw jumped again. His eyes searched hers.

"What?"

"You. Heard. Me." I stared right back. "DOES. KATHY. KNOW. YOU. ARE. HERE."

He was silent.

"Get out." She dropped her head to her chest, her eyes closed and her voice weak.

"Oliv—"He started.

"Go home Elliot."

She turned away from him then, grabbing the counter behind her to help with the nausea and dizziness.

She was so tired.

So damn tired.

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To be continued..


	4. Back To The Start

Author: Ashlee

Title: Back To The Start

Disclaimer: Not mine. Ask Dick Wolf, he'll tell you.

Rating: M for language

A/N: This chapter is a little shorter (ok, a lot lol) than the last, but a longer one will follow. Thank you so much for the delightful reviews. They keep me sane. Please continue to share your thoughts…rants…ideas...I'm up for anything: )

Also, if you get a chance and want to…I made a video of E/O based on recent spoilers and making that video sort of fueled this story. If you would like to check it out, please click (or copy and paste this into your browser as the case may be) for some reasons, will not display the address.

Just go to YouTube and search for "Rhine" (the song is by a group called "Over The Rhine") and it will be on the first page of the most recent. It's called "Latter Days"

Please, Let me know what you think. I would greatly appreciate it.

AngelEyes2332: Thank you. : ) There is definitely more to come.

girlNmaroon: Ahhhh, spyindisguise!! I thought it might be you. I kept trying to figure it out. Thanks for your encouragement! You were the first to read and review it and your feedback means a lot. That's so funny about your dog. What kind of dog do you have?

Onetreefan: Lol. Thanks so much. Yes, It depresses me too. But don't worry, I'm not a masochist. I eventually do want things to work out. Thanks for the review!

HKitty9013: Thanks! Yes, angst is my anti-drug. Sadly. Lol. I live on angst, I'm pretty sure. : )

KinseyJo: Yum. You are so bad…but, I LIKE IT. Lol. The jaw tick,?? come on now! Is there anything sexier?? **mind wheels start turning** Oh yeah, his smile..his chest..his arms..his tattoo. Oh, Lord. See what you've started????

Aserene: Oh, tell me about it. Bringing her back into the picture had me "paper-bagging it" for a good 10 minutes afterwards. Ask my friends, lol…it was a close call. As for the "mistress" comment, you are so right on. Thanks again for your review.

Nicole812us: Haha..I loved that terminology. It made me picture Liv and El in a boxing ring with gloves on, (I am doped up on pain meds right now, did I mention that? Lol) Just out of curiosity, Who do you think took the first round? Thanks for your review!

KatieKat112211: You can say that again. Lol. Thanks for your reviews, I really enjoy them.

Excerpt from chapter 3:

"Does Kathy know you are here?" She didn't know how she managed to get it out without a tremble in her voice.

His jaw jumped again. His eyes searched hers.

"What?"

"You. Heard. Me." I stared right back. "DOES. KATHY. KNOW. YOU. ARE. HERE."

He was silent.

"Get out." She dropped her head to her chest, her eyes closed and her voice weak.

"Oliv—"He started.

"Go home Elliot."

She turned away from him then, grabbing the counter behind her to help with the nausea and dizziness.

She was so tired.

So damn tired.

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Eight years…eight long years, and they were back to the start.

Olivia didn't know exactly how she knew…but she did.

Somewhere between the hello and goodbye of a phone conversation that took place at his desk not too long ago.

It was there.

Laid out for her to see.

Even now, she could read him so well.

He thought nobody knew.

But she did.

She knew that somehow…someway…something had changed.

The look Elliot was giving her displayed a variety of emotions.

Shock.

Pain.

Hurt.

Horror.

In one seemingly simple question Olivia had tore the rug from underneath him, and now…he didn't have a leg to stand on.

She knew.

Oh God, she knew.

He took a few steps toward her.

She flinched, and he halted his movement.

"Let me explain"

"Not necessary, El…" Olivia struggled to sound normal, though her voice was scratchy and raw. "I have it all figured out. Besides, it's really none of my business." She tried to appear casual as she gave him the same line she gave Kathy in what seemed like ages ago in central park.

"Olivia, please. It's not what you think."

"Isn't it?" Olivia chuckled softly, gripping the counter until her knuckles turned white.

Elliot studied her face and felt an overwhelming feeling of dread take over.

'What is going on in that head of hers?' He wondered.

Olivia exhaled and spoke for the first time in minutes.

Her tone was one of resignation…a hint of despair coating the words.

"After all this time…all these years…we are back to the start, Elliot."

"I don't understand."

"Yes you do…" Olivia told him softly. "You are back to being the devoted husband, Elliot…and I am back to being the devoted friend." Her voice was sad…so unbelievably sad that he had to resist the urge to gather her up in his arms.

"No, Liv..you have it all wro-"

"El, stop. **Please** just stop…" Her voice pleaded with him to understand. This was killing her.

Several minutes went by. He stood a few feet from her, helpless. His hands felt defective at his sides.

She still braced herself against the counter, her eyes closed and head down, willing him to be gone when she once again found the strength to open them.

"Come on Liv…let me help you to bed. You don't look so good. Your face is white as a sheet. I am worried about you…" He told her in what was little more than a whisper..doing his best not to startle her from her silent reverie.

She shook her head almost instantly.

"I am not your responsibility…just go. Go home to your family." She told him, her voice hitching at the last word despite her valiant attempt to stay strong.

"You are my family." He told her quickly, conviction laced with every letter of every word.

This is what forced a tear down her cheek and the blockage in her throat. She felt a sob wrenching its way to the surface, and it hurt like hell to push it back down. She could barely breathe.

"No." she shook her head slightly. "I…I can't be. You already have one."

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To Be Continued…


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